Anyway, while we were talking I brought up the 5E travesty they did for Undermountain. Out of sheer curiosity I decided to look at it some more to see what other failings it had. Didn't take long!
First, Skullport. Skullport is one of the coolest, most interesting areas in Undermountain. You could run an entire campaign just out of that one tiny section of Undermountain. In the original box set, there was only about a 1/4 page write up of Skullport. I've heard someone mention that TSR kept it short and sweet because they had planned on expanding it. I was a little disappointed that the original box set didn't get into much detail on it, but I thought either they were going to develop it further in another product, or that they left it undeveloped for the DM to work with, as the text mentions many people in the Realms don't believe Skullport exists. Fair enough.
Then in Dragon #172, they wrote an article expanding Skullport (that issue also had one of my favorite covers of all time - I turned the bad ass babe on the cover into a major NPC). The article was amazing, and went on for 4 pages of solid text, 5 if you count the keyed map page.
Later, TSR published Skullport, a supplement that ran 96 pages in length. I didn't like some of the changes they made to NPCs such as Shardin Mulophor, but overall it was well developed.
Which brings us back to that 5E travesty. In that crappy book, Skullport is covered in only 4 pages. It was only as long as a short Dragon Magazine article for god's sake! And it was BORING! Most of the shops are summed up in 2 or 3 quippy sentences. Examples:
4. Duergar Barracks
Ten durgar are quartered in this two-story building.
Exciting! Tie me down before I jump out of my chair!
7. Bugbear Barracks
Sixty bugbears inhabit this two-story building.
Wow. Must be crowded in that interesting little hotel.
8. Gargoyle Towers
Twelve gargoyles perch o the battlements of these three-story towers (four atop each tower).
Nice to see they can do simple math for me.
10A. Old Dock
The dock creaks and groans but is safe to stand on.
Good god almighty! Thanks for the heads-up! I always wondered about that damned creaky dock!
14. Herald's Meet
This town square is littered with trash. Nearly all the buildings that surround it are abandoned.
Nothing to see here, folks! Move along! Nothing to see here!!
21. The Sword and Sextant
A pair of strongheart halflings named Oleander and Will buy and sell maps out of this modest shop. They are eager to procure accurate maps of Undermountain.
Wow. Exciting. Can't wait to explore Skullport!
It's like they're writing the room descriptions on fucking TWITTER or something!
A single PARAGRAPH of the original Dragon Mag article had more interesting and inspiring information than the entire 4 pages in this 5E crap!
Let's talk about Halaster, shall we? Not me, the character.
He's only a 20th level spell caster in 5E? He was 29th level in 2E! What, he went senile? And how does a wizard at 20th level get 246 fucking hit points, can someone please tell me? Because that's going into great wyrm dragon territory in my games.
And what is this Legendary Resistance nonsense? Three times a day:
"If Halaster fails a saving throw, he can choose to succeed instead."
WTF?!?!
Hey, Joe - make a saving throw vs. spell. Oops! You rolled a 1. Did you want to just pretend it succeeded anyway?
What kind of stupid shit is that?
A 20th level wizard in 2E gets 37 spells total to memorize. In this insanity, they gave (20th level) Halaster only 27 memorized spells. WFT???
Addressing the nonsense on Level 9...
Level 9 is the Lair of the Mad Mage and according to the original box set:
"In reality, Undermountain's ultimate level is one big gauntlet of the nastiest traps the DM can devise..."
RoU, pg. 128
What did they do with Level 9 in 5E? Well, first...
They turned the level into a goddamned dorm room for Halaster and Arcturia and Trobriand. WRONG! The apprentices do not live with Halaster. They have their own levels, amongst the MID LEVELS of the dungeon! They turned Arcturia into a lich, which makes no sense. And they write that after she turned into a lich, she altered her form (polymorph, which she is fond of using), but liches are immune to polymorph spells and the like. But hey, who cares about the rules, right?
Trobriand has now transferred his spirit into an iron golem. Which means he cannot cast spells, but what the hell? Who cares about the mechanics of the game, right? These 5Etards will think it's "kewl", so go for it!
Going room by room:
Room #1 - Has Halster's sigil and a carving of his face over the entry arch. But it's "harmless" so don't sweat it. There's a fresco on the wall showing Halaster doing mundane chores, juggling rods, trying to escape from a straight jacket, doing handstand and shadowboxing. Was that supposed to be funny? I'm not laughing. There is a secret door. Wow. If you cast dispel magic on the fresco, Halaster's image "silently mocks the spell's caster". That'll show those upstart bastards to invade his private sanctum!
There's also a statue of Halaster that counter-spells any spell cast in the room (negates the spell cast). Such a deadly trap! I wonder if my 1st level character can survive that. And if you destroy the statue? A magic mouth spell says: "Is this the end of Halaster Blackcloak? Ha! I think not!" I hope the hack who spewed this out doesn't quit his crappy WOTC job to write dialogue for a tv show or anything.
Room #2. Halaster's library - it contains his spellbook, which contains a small handful of common spells. Yawn.
Oh and a couple of bookends worth a few hundred gp. Room #3 - A bunch of severed heads kept alive in jars of various races. Each head shares a "secret" of Undermountain. Oh, and they can confirm that Halaster spends a lot of his time on Level 9! In case, like, you didn't know that, right?
Room #4 - Six helmed horrors attack anyone entering. 2 sentences to describe all that action.
Room #5 - Magical Repository - It has 4 statues of purple worms breaking thru the floor, which are "harmless". Seems like there's a lot of "harmless" shit on the deadliest level of all, huh?
Oh, and there's this invisible dome that contains 4 invisible stalkers who attack anyone entering the dome. Yeah. They should have named this room the Magical Suppository. Because it's full of shit. Room #6 - Wizardly Wards. In 6A, there are 10 pillars of iron plated with copper and lightning arcs between them all. So if you get close to them, you get hit by lightning! Shit! Why didn't I think of that unique, interesting, devious trap? Oh, because I have some talent for writing, unlike the hack who wrote this crap, that's why. In 6B there is a bronze plaque bearing Halaster's face (another writer fetish). It says "Knock first before entering." And any fool who does so triggers a glyph of warding doing 10d8 fire damage. Even the dumbest newbie would not fall for this. So much for Level 9 being a "deadly gauntlet of devious traps". And there's a shield on the wall bronze shield on the wall (you will soon discover that the writer has a peculiar fetish for shields on walls), which contains a pit fiend. The PCs can immediately tell there is a pit fiend inside via a paladin's power to detect evil, or a detect magic spell, etc. SO LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE! Or, be stupid and screw around with it and touch it to another shield in Room #9B, which releases the pit fiend. I mean, what the hell, why not? At least it'll interrupt the sheer boredom on this level.
6C is a storeroom with butter and licorice root shavings and some other meaningless crap.Room #7 - Teleportation Pillars. It has a silly and obvious riddle concerning dwarves (Melair to be precise) that a kindergartner could figure out. And if you say his name out loud you're teleported to Room #8! Take that, damn you!
Room #8 - Teleportation Pillars. Redundant! Black marble pillars fill the room. There are gems in each pillar but with 3 gems missing (you can find them in Room #17). If you put the missing gems into the slots on the pillars that are missing gems, you get teleported back to Room #8! Now is that bad ass, dangerous and exciting or what? What do you mean "boring"? See, you can teleport back and forth between Room #7 and Room #8. Get it? Can't you feel the excitement? What the hell is wrong with you!
Room #9 Vaults. Yeah, more vaults. 9A has a mosaic (yet another fetish of the shit poor writer) of magical staffs. Behind one is...a secret door! Sigh. And get this! If you for some ungodly reason decide to cast a lighting spell against the secret door, or a disintegrate spell, it opens! How's THAT for excitement! 9B is another "otherwise empty room" (empty rooms are another failure fetish of the writer). Well, empty except for the shield on the one wall. And this shield is a SPECIAL shield. See, THIS ONE doesn't contain a pit fiend or anything. It contains a DEVA! So even if like a moron you carry around the shield from Room #6A containing the pit fiend and bring it here and release it by bringing it into Room #9B, you have a deva to help you! Assuming you're not a total moron player and you left the damned demon shield the fuck alone, the deva will heal you all and accompany you through the dungeon to help you survive! Such a deadly room, I almost can't comprehend it. Oh, wait.
Room #10. Arcane Display. Paintings on the walls and chandeliers. Be careful - if you cast dispel magic in the magically lit chandelier, it goes out and crashes to the floor! And the paintings? They're stuck to the wall with sovereign glue. Think you're gonna loot this level easily? Think again, fool! And the eyes in the paintings track you across the room, seeming to follow you. A "minor magical illusion". No big deal. 10B has 7 flaming skulls floating around, obvious by their greenish flames. One one wall has yet ANOTHER shield
which has arcane runes carved into it. And if you succeed an INT check, you can "ascertain that the runes give the shield the magical ability to trap creatures inside it". If you touch it, you get trapped. So be smart! Right? If someone gets trapped in the shield, then whatever was originally trapped inside it becomes freed. No mention of what's currently trapped inside the shield, but given the shit-poor writing and idiotic design of this product, it's probably a bad ass kobold or maybe even a goblin! Oh, and the shield is worth 7,500 gp, and you can use it as a regular shield, but "battle damage might reduce its value as an art object". Really? Shit! Who would have thought that! Wait...use it as a regular shield? But every time you touch it you have to make a WIS saving throw or be trapped in the shield. Ah, never mind. Best not think too hard on the nonsense found in this dreadful book.Room #11 - Trobriand's Workshop. 11A has a partially complete scaladar that is inert and cannot attack. And some workbenches. And scrap. Are you feeling that thrill up your leg yet? 11B has 2 scaladar guarding this virtually empty, boring room. The room is covered in metal tiles with one that leads to a secret door. That leads to 11B, in which Trobriand's body lies in stasis. No traps or anything, so just kill the poor bastard and steal his master scaladar control ring and call it a day. Trobriand's spirit is inside an iron golem in Room #13. How can a mage who cannot cast spells while wearing armor cast spells while being encased in a suit of armor? Oh, who the hell cares, at this point? Just humor the idiot who created this messy product and let him keep fantasizing that he has some writing skills.
Room #12. Gate to the Stone Bridge. There's a couple of standing stones and a bas relief and with a "successful DC20 Intelligence (History) check" (whatever the hell that means), you know that the bas relief depicts Torhild Flametongue (there's an original name!) an ancient dwarf king and you will also recall that he was struck from the bridge and died. Now how is THAT for excitement! Guys? Did you hear me? Hello? Wake up now! Would it help if I told you that the standing stones can teleport you to the bridge? The one the damned dwarf fell off of and died?
A dozen rooms in so far, and is it just me or is all this very dry and boring and uneventful? The damned mini-adventure that came with the 2E Dungeons Master Screen (Terrible Trouble At Tragidore) was 100 times more exciting (and challenging!).
Room #13 - The Metal Mage. Here is Trobriand the Iron Golem.
If you destroy one of the pillars in the room or destroy Trobriand's golem form, or even force him to step out of the room, his spirit flies back to his body. Unless, of course, you killed his relatively unprotected ass back in Room #11C. See how easy all this is? And if you do a DC20 Intelligence (Arcana) check, you'll magically realize that the pillars empower the golem. Must be nice to have it so easy in conquering the deadliest dungeon of all time. Oh, and the pillars are immune to psychic damage! Take that bitch!Room #14 Man With the Rabbit's Head. Stupid name for a room. Well, maybe not all that stupid since there is a man with a rabbit's head inside. No, I take that back. It really is a stupid name for a stupid room created by a stupid writer. The human-shaped being with a rabbit head speaks no languages and even speak with animals fails. He's unarmed. Hey, I have an idea! Let me try a DC12 Wisdom (Insight) check. Yup! Successful! So I now realize that Arcturia, that nasty tinkering bitch, did this to him! Is there a reason for this room, other than to be stupid? I thought not.
Room #15 Gate to Neverlight Grove. Another pair of standing stones (frescoes, standing stones, and shields on walls. I might have to delve into the psychological implications of all these fetishes. If you trace a finger along the surface, you can open a gate to the Underdark, arriving in a dark, fungus filled cavern. Neverlight Grove. Get it? Sigh. (And if you want details on Neverlight Grove, just buy another overpriced piece of shit WOTC product called Out of the Abyss. That way you can read all the boring details of the grove.)
Room #16 - Broom Room. I quote:
"This room is empty except for a dusty wooden broom that leans against the far wall."
Full description - 16 words. 1 sentence. You know, the fucking PRIVIES in the original box set were far more detailed and exciting than this room. Think about that.
Room #17 - Arcturia's Court. Where do I start? The odd blue skin in the illustration that makes Arcturia look like a skinny smurf wearing a 70's Stevie Nicks dress and a Vietnamese villager's hat as she "dances to music"? The wings that were obviously stolen from a design one of our earlier Polish artists posted online a decade ago? The innocent, child-like face? At least the art is consistently shitty. I guess you can consider that a compliment. Oh and every room so far has "a 20' high vaulted ceiling", this one included. Another fetish. And accompanying Arcturia is a swarm of "harmless" butterflies (am I the only one wondering why so much shit on the deadliest level of the deadliest dungeon of all time is "harmless"?), and furnishings that are actually 12 mimics (because they just love serving as couches, beds, and lounges for Arcturia all day and night I'm sure), and six animal headed people like the ridiculous man in the Rabbit's Head room.
If you attack Arcturia, she and the 12 mimics and the 6 animal headed people will attack you. Except one animal headed person, who in a fit of suicidal stupidity will team up with the PCs against Arcturia and 12 mimics. I suppose the swarm of butterflies will continue buzzing about, as indifferent to the idiocy of this room as I am. If the PCs destroyed Arcturia's phylactery on Level 14, she'll automatically know it and attack the PCs. How she knows her phylactery is destroyed is anyone's guess because I don't recall liches knowing that their phylacteries have been destroyed. Regardless, is the "writer" (I use that term loosely) expecting me to believe that Arcturia will KNOW that someone destroyed her phylactery, which puts her continued existence in jeopardy, and instead of DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT (oh, I don't know...like maybe sending servants to kill the bastards or casting some protective spells on herself and setting a trap), she instead dances her cares away in her Stevie Nicks dress, with her stupid animal headed servants and butterflies? Really?
Oh and get this...if the PCs did NOT destroy her phylactery and do not attack her, she "has no grievance with the adventurers and is happy to let them go their way, neither helping nor hindering their efforts". Strange, I remember Arcturia, in the first box set, being described as...let me quote this...
"Driven now to destroy or drive away all who defy her, Arcturia looks upon humans and demi-humans only as cattle to be 'improved' by he work, and upon wizards as sources of new magic to augment her own. She will blast enemies first, and ask questions later. She won't hesitate to kill those who threaten her life or her work."
PCS: Hi Mrs. Arcturia! Our party, the Dungeon Delvers of Idiocy, are here to kill your monsters, destroy your work and kill your beloved mentor, Halaster. But we didn't touch your phylactery and we have no beef with you.
Arcturia: Oh, well in that case, the treasure room is off to the right, and my master is in the room at the end of the hallway. Have a nice day.
The writer should hang himself in embarrassment. I would!
Oh, and there's treasure in this room. A harp called an instrument of the bards, which is being played by the swarm of butterflies. I wonder how she trained those damned non-magical butterflies to play a harp? Oh, but let's just ignore this absurdity. Remember, 5E Undermountain is pure theater of absurdity. None of it is supposed to make sense. Is it?
Room #18 - Animated Hallway. It's a 250' hallway. It's animated and twists and undulates. If you enter it you need to make a DC15 DEX check or take 5d10 bludgeoning damage. Or you can just cast a few fly spells and fly through unharmed. That Halaster! He's one deviously cruel and deadly son of a bitch, isn't he?
Room #19 - Double Door Roulette. Another 20' high ceiling, 7 sets of double doors, and a pillar that pulsates with all colors of the rainbow. Wait. Let me do a DC Intelligence (Detect The Obvious) check. And I made it! It's a prismatic spray trap. All the doors trigger it except one that teleports you to Halster's (equally boring) extra-dimensional tower. That's all to see here. Move on.
Room #20 - Hidden Helm. Another 20' tall room. In the middle of the room is a throne atop which sits the helm of the Scavenger (a Spelljammer magic item). Near the ceiling, invisible, are 4 "scrying sensors" (sensors? are we playing D&D or Gamma World?). And who is watching those sensors? Oh, just a group of 4 ultraloths who are lairing in Room #21A. They just fucking sit in that room all day long, watching the "sensors". Must be hell on earth, right? Get it? Ultraloths? Hell on earth? Yeah, the damned stupid product has sapped all the humor out of me as well.
And that is the entirety of that room. Fun, huh?
Room #21- Displaced Vault. Those 4 ultraloths spend their time 24/7/365 watching the sensors on the previous room. And there is a 30' deep pit of acid under the floor of this room, covered by a 6"thick sheet of glass. The glass is AC3 and has 25 hp and is "immune to poison and psychic damage". No shit? A glass floor being immune to poison and psychic attack? Who would have guessed?
And if like a moron you break the glass after pounding it for a few rounds, you fall inside and die. Which is what SHOULD happen to anyone that stupid. If I were the ultraloths, I'd break the damned floor myself and dive into the acid and die to relieve the sheer boredom of this room. Wait, never mind. Ultraloths are immune to acid. Sucks to be them! 21B. Nimoar's Shield. It's empty except for cobwebs and dust. Oh, and a peg protruding from one wall. And if for some godforsaken strange reason you utter the word "xunderbrock", something appears on the peg. I'll give you one guess what that is. A shield you say? Well, yes, ANOTHER shield. See what I mean about this shield fetish? And if you cast a legend lore spell, it tells you that an orc named Nimoar once wielded it but he died and the shield somehow arrived here. It's a +3 shield. What an amazing and powerful magical item to find on Level 9 of the Deadliest Dungeon of All Time. Such an exciting room!
Room #22 Tower Entrance. This allows access to Halaster's boring and poorly designed extra-dimensional tower. The ceiling is...say it with me now, you know the story...20' high. And in this room is a life sized statue of Halaster, smiling. And a rat gnawing on a piece of celery. A "harmless" rat. Seriously. Every fucking thing on Level 9 of this travesty is "harmless. Rats gnawing on celery, swarms of harmless butterflies, a harmless man with a harmless rabbit head, harmless shields, etc, etc.
Room #23 - Gnome With No Name. Mirror, mirror on the wall, what's that I see inside you? A gnome. She asks the PCs to free her. Which is real tricky because the mirror is immune to poison and psychic damage. Apparently the writer feels compelled to constantly barrage the reader with a reminder that inanimate objects cannot be harmed by poison or psychic assaults.
A simple dispel magic will free the gnome, who immediately ages and dies. That'll teach you to fuck with Halaster's traps! Now go curl up into a fetal position and agonize over the meaningless death you just caused, you worthless dungeon crawlers!I gotta stop for the night. There are 35 rooms total (for the ultimate level of the ultimate dungeon) but I can't take much more of this. Can anyone honestly tell me that the only thing this adventure is good for is toilet paper? But no, it's printed on that slick paper so you can't even use it for toilet paper. What a fucking waste!
This is truly and honestly the worst product I have ever read. Oh, and the maps? Each level shows just a tiny couple of rooms, with caverns marked with an arrow saying "leads to the expanded dungeon". Too lazy to even develop the maps!
